As per my usual Friday routine at work, I am sitting at my desk willing the hands on the clock to move faster. My mental telepathy skills clearly need honed because this past hour hasn’t seemed to budge. Nonetheless, it just dawned on me that exactly 365 days ago I weighed in at 108 pounds. The lowest weight I’d seen since probably 7th grade. I was tanned, lean, and hungry as hell waiting for my 30 seconds on stage.
Fast forward 365 days to…today, of course. I am thirty pounds heavier, much paler, and happily sipping on my morning tea while giggling at the thought of having been that small. There’s a pair of size two shorts that sit as a reminder in my closet of that time when I had a thigh gap, when my body fat percentage was barely a teen itself, and I am not sad in the least. I’m not reminiscing on a happier time. I’m not wishing to travel back in time. I am fondly remembering a time when I took my body to levels I never would have dreamed possible.
I remember being so tired, so hungry, that I didn’t even have the mental capacity to enjoy how my clothes fit. I didn’t take the time to don a bikini and lay at the pool to tan my six pack because that would mean sitting around doing nothing, which would lead to thinking about all the food I couldn’t eat. But now, sitting here with a belly full of breakfast, I am able to think more clearly. There’s not a diet fogged brain in sight. And I can’t wipe the smile off of my face when I think about that day a year ago.
I know I’ve written about it before. I placed horribly. But that’s not how I’ll remember the day. I’ll remember the prettiest suit I’d ever worn. I’ll remember how my hair cooperated and curled perfectly, and how the thunderstorm I thought I was going to get caught in held off just long enough for me to get in the building without ruining my hair or tan. I’ll remember how my family came together to celebrate me and my journey on a day when no one would have blamed them for staying home. I’ll remember all of that. The smiles. The showcase of hard work. The support. The family.
This summer is a complete contrast from the summer of 2015. The two have only one thing in common and that is the speed with which they fly by. It feels like you blink and miss out on weeks. It doesn’t feel like it was a whole year ago that I was that small. It doesn’t feel like it was a whole year ago that I would literally cut off my arm for a bowl of pasta and slice of cheesecake.
As I was packing up some more things at my house the other day I came across my beloved competition suit, the scarily high heels still stained with tan, and even my competitor’s number that I pinned to my suit like a badge of honor. And of course I smiled. Actually I laughed out loud because I had a fleeting thought of trying that suit on for just a minute…until I came to my senses. Sometimes it’s best to let great memories where they are…in the past. And so I carefully tucked my suit and heels into a box to be hauled to our new beginning, and refocused on the present. On all my new beginnings to come.
And today, I woke up with a renewed sense of determination. It’s funny how such a small reminder or little memory can give you a push you didn’t even know you needed. No, I didn’t suddenly get the urge to prep for a competition again, but I did remind myself that I have 8 weeks until I’m celebrating my fifth 25th birthday in Las Vegas and I have some goals I want to reach before that. So, I have 8 weeks to make some magic happen. I’m ten pounds above my “normal” comfortable weight and I’m giving myself these 8 weeks to work towards that. I have the tools and I’m ready. I’ve already said my goodbyes to my beloved Sheetz cookies for a few weeks. I’ve bought a few new books to help me through my cardio sessions. And I’ve got a gym partner who never lets me give anything but 100%.
You see, we all have different goals and dreams. And we all have different time lines and paths to get there. And that’s okay just as long as you don’t give up. Will it be hard? Yes. Will it be easy? Nah. Will it be worth it? Heck yes.
If you’ve never accomplished any goal you’ve set in life then it’s nearly impossible to describe to you that feeling. It’s exciting, it’s nerve-wracking, it’s…it makes me speechless apparently. And it makes me sorry for you if you’ve never experienced it for yourself. So go now. Make yourself a plan. And don’t you let anyone or anything get in the way of reaching your goal. We all deserve to feel that exhilarating sense of accomplishment at least once in our lives.